I have moved my blog to http://lpease.com and have re-vamped my look to reflect ‘me’ a little bit more!!! So come visit me on my NEW page and also check out Hope In What Remains on Facebook!!!!
Hope you guys dig the new facelift to my blog 🙂
I step onto the battlefield… The doors slide open and little men in orange aprons stare at me ready to pounce at any minute..
I dodge them left and go right… Look to the floor and don’t make eye contact,… doooon’t make eye contact…. don’t make eeeeeye contact. Act as if you belong.. Blend, Pease, BLEND!
I have successfully avoided the little orange men and found myself in a sea of colors…
I look around for my weapon of choice…. Will it be the edger? Or will I choose the roller with the extended reach?? NO, my weapon of choice will be the never ending blue tape of torture!
OH NO!!! The puzzled look must have taken over my face while choosing my weapon because a little man snuck up behind me with signs of battle splattered white, blue and brown alllll over his orange armor… This man must mean business!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Welcome to Home Depot, Can I help you with something?”
Noooooooooo, I’m CAUGHT!! I’m an imposter and I totally scream home improvement challenged!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wonder how they ever found me out!!! Thought my camo was full proof… mmmm
I turn to Mr. Smarty Pants, with a big bucket of primer in my hand, and say, “Nah, I’m ok, I know what I need….”
Mr. I know Everything about Home Improvement: ” What are you working on?”
Confidently, I turn and say nonchalantly, ‘I SAID I dont need your help!!!!’, “Oh, just priming wood paneling, no biggie.”
The Enemy: ” Are you sure that is what you want?”
Irritated Me, “Ummm it’s in my hand right?” (mmmph so THERE, take that)
Mr. Horrible Apron Primer Expert Man, laughs and says!!! “mmmmm oook, if your really sure….”
um is he really laughing at me!?!?! RUDE!
*Silence*
*insert my conflicted face I am trying to hide from the enemy and trying to force a confident, I have no freaking clue what I am holding my hand ,I know what I’m here for, look*
*Silence*
I’m thinking……………..Little orange man standing smuggly behind me… He is mind ninja’ing me……. mmmmmm… Don’t give in…. Dooooon’t give in……maybe he does know what he is talking about…NO…..DON’T GIVE IN……DON’T GIVE IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Still keeping my confidence: “I think I am ok.”
Annoying Man with his disapproving face: “If it were mmmyyyy home I wouldn’t use that brand…It smells horrible and doesn’t cover the paneling appropriately and you will end up working twice as hard.. But thaaat’s just me..”
UGH… ………….did he say work twice as hard………..is he mind ninja’ing me AGAIN……………damnit you orange apron wearing loony toon…………..mmmm……did he say smelly……..and work hard……..DAMNIT
Me, reluctantly and not pleasant with hands in the air: “oooooooook, I surrender, go ahead… what would yoooou use?”
After this battle, I threw the white flag and let him win JUST THIS ONCE… After all the future of my adorable new home was riding on my pride right at this moment, and I really need to save my energy for priming, so I find this a TRUCE and NOT a defeat!
Mr. Smarty Pants ended up speaking in a foreign, home improvement language to me and all I heard was blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, nooooooo one caaaaressssss, get to the poooooint.. only $20.. Whoop there is the point…….Sounds good! Load it up!
#hate #hate #hateforlife #damnmarthastewartformakingmedothis (twit lingo for you losers)
You may have won this battle, Mr. Orange Poor Taste in Apparel Man… BUT I’LL BE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One of these days I will enter the battle zone and I will sneak by you with my ever so confident face and you will KNOW that I KNOW what I am there for and you will let me pass your enemy lines untouched!
I WILL MIND NINJA YOU, MR HOME DEPOT SMARTY PANTS I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOUR HOME AND YOU DON’T MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Till then….. Stay tuned to my further house flipping, #13 on my damn 2011 intentions list, making a house a home crap adventure!
Muahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
Well… Hello 2011!!!! 
I see you over there and it is juuuuuust about time for us to meet. It aaalmost time for me to make promises to you about what an amazing person I will be this year, promise you changes I will forget in within a month I will carry on throughout the year and all that crap we people throw at you in true hopes to change ourselves from the inside out..
I think about all the things I promised 2010 last year… which ones did I hold up? mmm maybe one? tons of them..
This year I thought I would write some of them down and that way I would feel bound to them because then I would just feel guilty putting something out there I could not follow through on… damn people pleaser in me.. mm that is one to put on my list as well!
As I think about 2010 I think about alllll that has happened and changed. I think about how I used to be a person who resisted change and I actually boycotted being an adult.. mmm I may still do that from time to time..
I used to pride myself on being a nomad and wandered from house to house never really creating a real home out of any of them. I used to never believe in forever with one person and I usually found a way to ruin a good thing and almost did…. I used to feel like babies were bizarre aliens and acted like if I even touched them I would turn into an alien too…. I used to break my back to be everywhere and please everyone and say YES to everything and I am pretty sure I rarely spoke my mind to the honesty that I should have to the appropriate person or topic.
Now with all that being said 2010 brought me a godson that you can RARELY pull from my arms, 
it brought me a ton of neices and nephews and some still to come from my best friends, it brought me a relationship…. Now I rarely bring up my relationship in my blog, but Adam is one of the best men I have ever known… 
I tried to do the old ruin it and walk away things because I knew this man wanted forever from me and forever I had taken out of my personal dictionary. So it ended…. there was my 2010 breakup… But thankfully it didn’t last too long because I realized I needed to stop being scared of the future all the time and let yourself be really loved by someone and allow whatever happens through that to happen. He brings me closer to God and when I look at him I see God through him and it really cannot get much better than that..I shook off the negativity and stopped trying to set this man up to fail because I realized life, for me, only makes sense with him and only him by my side. He is the salt to my peppa, the home to my slice, the ketchup to my mustard… mmm well u get the idea.. This man completes my heart in the deepest of ways and that can be terrifying at first and now I am embracing it and now when I am with him the road is paved with nuttin but sunshine! So 2010 brought me Adam for the 2nd time! whooohoo..
So I guess in 2010 I learned how to grow.. I may not have done it in the typical or smartest way at times but sometimes I think even when you make the biggest mistakes in your life you can turn them into turning points and therefore they turn into more like road signs for your life. I have made a fair share of mistakes, lots of them really this year and some I am not proud of and others I feel showed me the way. I finally feel like I am finding my own way and myself without listening to everyone else and what they think I should be, wear, do or date. I am finally shedding some old skin and creating new skin. I am learning to leave your past and mistakes in the past and remember there is always opportunity to start fresh and use those mistakes to create your future. I find most people have to mess up to find their way anyway.
So if 2o10 dealt you a tough hand and found your heart hurt throughout it or you found you hurt others hearts during it, forgive yourself and forgive someone else and start 2011 with a fresh slate.
This year do something new, do something you always said ‘one day when I get more time I will….,’ Don’t wait, remember life is
short so celebrate everything, do something nice for someone you rarely talk to, call your parents more, travel somewhere you have 
never been, dance in your living room, get to know a stranger, make mistakes and learn from them, go skydiving, write more letters not emails, tell someone thank you, and most of all try to get to know God..
God is always waiting for you… Try to get to know Him a little this year.. Try reading a spiritual book or praying or find Him in a pretty day, your dog, your best friend and even a stranger. Once you get to know Him you will recognize Him in your everday.. It is pretty cool.. I just started to know really know Him and it’s pretty cool when you realize He is speaking to you.. So I challenge you to look for Him in your everday. I am not asking you to read the Bible front to back or be a nun, just try a little everyday to recognize Him.. You will see Him I assure you 🙂
SO like I said before I will write down my 2011.. um as Diary of Kfun states I will list my ‘Intentions’ for the year.
* I am sure some of you expected to see stop cussing, drink less caffeine, clean and run more… but I mean let’s be real here people…….
OK There you have it.. That is my list for 2011.. My new clean slate arrives in approximately t minus 11 hours..
So here’s to you 2010, thank you for all the memories you have brought me, the lessons you taught me through mistakes, the man you blessed me with, the babies I adore, family that is ever giving, and friends to last a lifetime.
It was one hell of a ride!!!
I wish everyone a happy new year and here’s to your clean slate and new 2011 intentions!
‘Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man.’ – Benjamin Franklin
Much love to everyone who has made 2010 as special as it has been!
It is Christmas day.. Jesus, my homeslice, the big man upstairs was born today! Today I find myself thinking about Jesus and all He went through. I mean the man came down, told peeps He was God’s son, got laughed at, picked on, and THEN God told Him He had to be nailed to a cross!?!? WHAT!?!? You would think this man was nutso for agreeing to this gig…. Whew! 
But I guess Jesus just loved us that much…. This gets me to thinkin about love, life and hope within it…
I mean love and hope are kinda intense things… hard things to find and even harder to hang on to… I see love and hope lost and found all around me constantly.. The questions that come from it are usually.. Why would this love come into my life only to be taken away and how do I find any hope after it? or Why does God keep punishing me? or the biggest….’Why can’t I be happy?’ ..mmmm…. ponder that… 
That is probably one of the questions asked daily among some people or at least once in everyone’s lives… I just mean when life throws you a curve ball we immediately question it and search for something or someone to blame.. It is our easiest coping mechanism.. The usual suspects are ourselves or God or the closest person to you.
Sometimes I wonder why as human beings we allow ourselves to get so unhappy.. The other day I read an article about what we should learn from dogs and #1 was CELEBRATE EVERYTHING! They love you unconditionally and it said if a dog could talk its continuous smile would say, ‘You should have a cupcake for that!’ But being humans we would probably not be able to enjoy that cupcake because we OBSESS over calories and talk about oh I have to run 187 miles after that or I love the classic, I will just have half…… UGH give it up people, stop the guilt and LET YOURSELF ENJOY THINGS! HAVE THE FRIGGIN CUPCAKE!!!!
Why do we work ourselves up over everything and fester and blame and criticize and just plain search for the negatives in life. Why can’t we decide to turn our views to see the positive?
Another classic is birthdays… People’s normal repsonse, ‘Eh I’m not really into birthdays and I dont really wanna make a big deal out of it…’ OR ‘UGH I’m turning 30, 40 or 50.. I think I’m going to decide to be in a crisis.’ SHUT UP PEOPLE and stop worrying about the number you are turning or the pity party you want to have instead! Can you not even enjoy your BIRTHDAY!! This day is about YOU so shut up, have a cupcake and CELEBRATE!!!!!!!!!! It is OK to allow yourself to BE HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now, I realize I am in fantasy land because the other day I cussed out my coffee cup for spilling on me.. How dare that dumb coffee jump out and ruin my clothes and burn my fingers!!?! That asshole just ruined my day on purpose! 
Then I will get in to the office and realize I forgot my computer at home… DAMNIT! This will then turn into, ‘why can’t I do anything right?!!?’ and then I decide to take out my flaws on the next person to ask me how my day is going… 
Can’t they see my coffee tried to stain my shirt on purpose and my computer ran away from me to irritate and ruin my whole day!?!?!?!?!?!? So after little things like this start off the day, I have decided to take the negative road for the rest of the day. Why do we do this?
Why do we decide that life has decided to punish us so we are going to crawl into a corner and hide ourselves like we are 5yrs old stomping our feet! Why does life always have to be so serious? I don’t get it sometimes.. When I was in Italy, I learned alot about not taking life so seriously… Give love and receive love and then take a siesta after you eat..
I mean why can’t we embrace life and try and be happy! Why are we SO determined to be miserable, like life is out to get us or something.. We are our own worst enemy… We are the only reasons we are unhappy.. We decide that fate.. Why can’t we embrace love in all forms and why can’t we find the hope when the curve ball comes?
I know it is easier said than done but I wish that we could be more like Jesus.. As cliche as that sounds… But this man came down and when people called Him crazy, He healed them.. When people who loved him condemned Him, He forgave them. I mean this man could not have gotten shit on anymore and His love and positive outlook only got stronger because of it. Then He got crucified! The mans HANDS AND FEET NAILED through to a piece of wood and hung in front of everyone.. 
He could have bailed out or lashed out to people that hurt Him, but instead his last words were those of forgiveness. I mean really man?! These people just tortured you!??!!? But He loved us THAT MUCH.. Can you even fathom that kind of love?! Why can’t we learn or take a smidge of that and imitate Him.. He went through this to show us what love was.. Why do we have SUCH a hard time imitating that?
I mean this man is dying and at the same time is forgiving these people who drove nails through His hands, and spears in his side and thorns on his head…..He did this for us to learn the way to God and the way to happiness.. He didn’t come down here and go through this crap for fun or because He was bored and thought, ‘Oh I think I will go to earth today and have everyone hate on me, kick my ass and then crucify me because I have nothing better to do today”………. He was trying to teach us something and show us the way.. If Jesus can endure all this and grow stronger in His love, why is it so hard for us to find love and hope and happiness in the everyday? It is like we forget the basics…. We forget how much easier it is when we just drop the armor and love love love.
I think if we would all just let go of the reins sometimes and instead of yelling at our spouse that they folded the towels the wrong way or burnt dinner, why can’t we smile at imperfections and love them more for it and thank them for even trying.
Why do we immediately zone in on flaws and fester on them. Why can’t we find them more beautiful because of it.. Life is always afterall a combination and sequence of flaws… We are masters of our fate and of our moods and I think we forget that. I just wish we could halt the busyness of life long enough to see the beauty in it before it whizzes by and take the time to tell someone you see every single day that they are beautiful when they look like hell, or take the time to tell someone close to you that you take for granted that you appreciate them.. Stop and take a second to look at the things closest to you and appreciate it..
Don’t take life and its imperfections for granted..Life does not have to be a job or a task we have to get through, I am sure that was never God’s intention.. Life is meant to be enjoyed and filled with tons and tons of love.. If you lose a love that felt so great it hurts your heart to even think about it, just remember that love was placed in your life during a time you needed it the most and because of it, it changed you to not only be the person you were created for but showed you that you are capable of loving in a way that you only read about in books. Love like that is beautiful, whether it is your dog, your spouse or an ex of yours.. They are scars on your heart that should never be forgotten because they are a beautiful addition on the road of life.. You pick it up for awhile and you love and admire it and nuture it and set it back down to make room for the next beautiful thing to come. So when tragedy hurts your heart, as hard as it is, try to find the love and beauty in it and try and appreciate it for what it was and the purpose it held in your life. Don’t use it as a weapon for hate, depression or regret. Those can be lethal weapons and the devils tools of destruction..
So when you find yourself picking those up remember who the leader of that army is and set them back down because the devil will lose everytime against God… every single time….. Try and change your typical mindset and look for the beauty and try and smile because you were fortunate enough that God placed something that special in your life no matter how long or short.
I guess I have no real point today, only rambling thoughts this Christmas morning at 2am… I just felt filled with love after leaving church and reflecting on all my homeslice in the sky went through down here for us.. I just thought, wow, now that is what love is supposed to be.. scary, unconditional, forgiving, and beautiful..
‘For God so loved the world, He gave His only Son.’
Enjoy life, have a cupcake, make mistakes, be vunlerable, find the beauty, and give your love… even when it hurts like hell.
Carpet covered maroon walls encompass my work space, a phone sits next to my 
computer ringing off the hook with a thousand questions, bulletin boards line my walls with absolutely nothing work related on them but instead pics of my favorites, a collection of packets and random information has taken over my work space and under my desk sits my little blue WHITE PAPER ONLY recycle bin with colored paper, wrappers and cardboard spilling out of it. I look around and think….. Is this it?
Transitions in life are funny.. They sneak up on you when you least expect it.. When you have decided life and opportunity has officially passed you by and you feel defeat sneaking up and you decide to give up…. You try and try and the door keeps slamming you in the face….. When will God show me the answer…….. ‘Be Still’ (Phrase inspired by my partner in the pen and her new TAT) as God tells us…… Be Still………..Then listen……that is when God finds you. When you put hands in the air and say OK IM DONE, take the wheel because I’m exhausted!!!!!
When you do that….. when you really do that…. God takes it. You may hate His direction, but He has a method to his madness I assure you. God has led me through some loops THAT IS FOR SURE.. Big loops! Like going to college and ending up in a sorority I made fun and found my soulmates there, like having FSGS cripple my life but ended up bringing me closer to Him, like randomly having a studio in Italy except me into school so God could show not only my love of photography but realize it was a gift He had given me, like getting interviews at National Geographic (my dream) and getting SO CLOSE and getting rejected, crushing me, but it showed me dreams can come true even if that dream is not what He intended right now. I realized that happened so He could show me dreams are not impossible and I made a pretty cool friend/mentor out of it, or after that ending up at a cheerleading company (when I NEVER cheered a day in my life) and finding my love, friends for a lifetime and now a dream job……..He has a method to the madness….
I have been through so many random loops and I questioned God every day, doubted him, lacked faith in Him and that non-existent ‘plan’ people said He had for me. What PLAN!?!? I am 27 and felt I did not have much to show for it. I thought at this point I would have almost filled my passport and be some photojournalist traveling the globe by now… So here I stood with about 8 stamps in my passport with a camera that was collecting more dust than pictures. When Adam (love) would ask me ‘How was your day?’ I answer, “Another pointless day of my existence.” NOW granted if there was a career in friendships and family I would be as successful as they come because they kickassssss, but there is not. So I felt from 8-5 I had no idea what God was doing with my life. I was at a desk with my trusty headset answering calls and emails 24/7 every day. I was blessed to have a job but just starving to be able to utilize my creativity.. SO since God said it was not time for that, I thought well ok, maybe God just intended for me to be here because He knew the people I would meet here would be what was more important than what I was actually working on…………………..But for someone who thought she would join the peace corp, take pictures in a 3rd world countries or write for something, anything 
SETTLING IS NOT AN OPTION… BUT……. I stayed still………If I tried to take the wheel into my own hands….REJECTION…. SO…… I trusted in the Lord and was still…..
What’s weird is when I would get frustrated in life in general or did not know what to do my mom would say to me, “When you do not know what to do, do nothing. Be still.” God spoke to me through her, so for once I listened.
Just goes to show you, God is always there whether you choose to acknowledge it or not. He lives in every decision. When you doubt Him.. Be Still…. He will not answer you on your time because you are not ready for it…. Remember He knows you better than you know yourself.
When I decide God must not understand the direction I want the wheel to turn so I decide to grab hold of it and stop talking to Him and things just start shitting rain on me. But when things are raining shit and I stop and be still and go in a different direction I see God waiting. When frustrated with my career, I decided to get heavily involved in getting a program called Theology on Tap off the ground and threw myself 
into that and my blog to find an outlet for my creativity.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying get involved with church and all will be well even though it is a good start… What I am saying is if you find yourself dreading every day and feel like you are in a role you were not meant for, YOU WERE MEANT FOR IT.. Look around you……I GUARANTEE you that you will find a reason you were placed there…. little or small….there is a reason…. SO while you are in this place in life feeling stagnant, FIND AN OUTLET.. It doesn’t matter if it is a marathon, sewing, BLOGGING, reading, crafts, friggin dog walking.. it doesn’t matter…Whatever you are interested in find a way to do it as a hobby because it will bring out strengths and you will end up finding and figuring out what you enjoy and therefore what you are good at and seeing God’s intention for you…
Sometimes people can become too clouded with depression, doubt and frustration… sometimes that can cloud ANY hope of finding motivation, drive and GOD. Brush the hater off. TELL THE DEVIL TO SUCK IT.. Till you do that, you will never find your way.. 
Let me tell you something.. you will NEVER get anywhere with the devil hangin on your shoulder.. 
even if you don’t think he is there and you use the whole, ” I’m a good person and blah blah blah… I don’t understand why this is happening to me….why is God punishing me…blah blah blah…” I have used that before – IT DOESN’T WORK! Stop wallowing in your own self pity and step up and stand up to be the person you were meant to be EVEN when you don’t want to be. God needs you most in the moments you do not want Him. He needs you always. Let Him in.. When you do….. MAGIC happens.. God Happens.. It’s hard to explain how beautiful it is when you allow Him to take the wheel and you recognize it..It is hardest to give up the wheel… When you do, it ain’t nuttin but cruise control 🙂
In society today it is SO EASY to let the devil control everything.. It really is.. Society shows us we should be Victoria Secret sexy, Top Model Skinny, Wall Street Successful, and who the hell is God, we are waaaaaaay to cool and
successful to bring His name into a conversation.. mmmmm how nuts have we gone.. NEWS FLASH- You can’t take your Louboutin shoes with you, your porsche, your 80lbs weight or your bank account to heaven.. God will not look at these things in order to decide to let you in.. HE DOESN’T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m not saying I don’t LOVE a beautiful pair of wedge closed toe Jeffrey Campbell heels
like the next girl, but do not let that goal cloud your end goal. Do not let it encompass your life in general as a means of success. Clothes, money, weight does not matter to God,…. It is what you do with it and the gifts you are given and the love around you. That is the measurement of success.. NOT what’s on your business card or how big your house is.. It is how well you tried to mimic His son while given this short time on earth…He didn’t just send Jesus down here to suffer for the hell of it. He sent Him to show us the example to live by in order to get to Him in the end.
I am not here to preach but just show a different perspective I have seen when life throws you a shit hand. Which it will….and often… Life will never be a road paved in roses.. It will stick some thorns but it is up to you how to decide to view the thorns.. Will they be painful stabs scarring making you regrettably bitter, or will they be a beautiful addition to this flower that pricked you because you were too busy to notice it, allowing you to appreciate it, carry the scar and be better because of it…….
Just remember there is a method to the madness… Be still and give God the wheel…
NOW- I look around at my maroon walls, the SILENT phone next to my computer that I am furiously writing creative copy on, still a bulletin board covered in pics of my favorites, NOW a collection of inspiration aka magazines and scratch paper with random copy on it seems to have thrown up all over my desk and there sits my little blue WHITE PAPER ONLY recycle bin with colored paper, wrappers and cardboard spilling out of it. I look around and take it alllllllllllllllll in………I could not be happier in this moment…… I just take a moment to look around and find a new appreciation for my cubicle and its maroon walls. NOW- I wake up and smile and think I can honestly mean the words, ‘I love my job.”
…………………I finally made it to this point… the cheerleading company I never expected to to find a home in, has now become the benefactor and motivator to my God given gifts……..Now I have found a place to grow and a little home within my maroon walls……I finally accomplished a goal….. I finally was still…. …………..Then God surprised me…….He’s pretty good at doing that.
Now when Adam asks me, “How was your day?”
I say, “So good my brain hurts and actually ran out of creativity!”
Be still… God has a plan for you.
‘ As Jesus was entering a village, ten lepers met Him. They stood at a distance from him and raised their voice, saying, “Jesus, Master! Have pity on us!” 
When He saw them, He said, “Go show yourselves to the priests.” As they were going they were cleansed. One of them, realizing he had been healed, returned, glorifying God in a loud voice;and he fell at the feet of Jesus and thanked him. He was a Samaritan. Jesus said in reply, “Ten were cleansed, were they not? Where are the other nine?
Has none but this foreigner returned to give thanks to God?”
Then He said to him,
“Stand up and go; your faith has saved you.“
-Luke 17:12-19
Today, I celebrate 6 amazing and unbelievable years in remission. Today I will share the story of the hardest time in my life thus far. It is the story of how I found my faith through it and because of that it became the biggest miracle of my life.
I share this Bible story with you because I see myself as one of the lepers. I will paint this story for you more clearly… fasten your seat belts 🙂
On the brink of turning 20 I was having the TIME OF MY LIFE! I just joined the coolest sorority (might be biased) ever, Phi Mu, and was elected 
homecoming chair, and if you don’t know what that is.. it is the ultimate, I’m the queen of cool, position EVER! Homecoming = SERIOUS BIIIIZZZZ.. So I was pretty pumped up to get it.. In the middle of all this fun we were having creating floats and hanging at the ATO frat house, I discovered the most attractive quality a woman can have…..CANKLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the hell!?!?!? Why are my ankles so friggin fat! I had no clue.. I couldn’t even fit these suckers in my favorite pair of black wedge Steve Madden zip up boots I wore even with holes in soles because they were ever so awesome……. depressed…… The swelling continued up my legs…… OK NOW, I am aware that beer + eating a whole Papa John’s pizza = freshman 15 but I have always been small and athletic so to not be in able to fit in any of my clothes overnight was definitely not normal.. mmmmm
Finally tired of being made of fun with my fatty ankles, I was convinced to go to the doc, because surely I can pop an antibiotic and be on my way………I mean we have homecoming to win and I need my skinny ankles please….thank you.
After what I thought would be a quick trip to the doc turned into a lovely trip down needle haven.. apparently I had protein in my urine…. um ok? Isn’t protein like good for you?? um………..NO…..not if it’s in your urine! sooo the doc didn’t seem tooo tooo worried but needed to do tests to be sure…. um tests? Well, one test turned to multiple tests, biopsies, you name it we tested it… Was I scared at this point? A little, but I mean I have been healthy my WHOLE life and played double sports always, cross country all metro and nothing bad has ever really happened to me or my family. With that knowledge, I knew I had to be totally fine and this was all just overkill. And um could we hurry this jazz up because I have homecoming to win….
After tests were completed I entered the doctor’s office for the results. He came in and the words, ‘Lacey, you have Focal Segmental Glomerulosclerosis’ (FSGS) came out of his mouth.. I thought, sounds gross, didn’t understand what the hell you just said but seems harmless.. I said, ” Great! Can I have antibiotics now so I can head out.. Have Homecoming floats to dominate!”
He looked at me with sad eyes and crossed his hands, wearing a watch that had Jesus pointing to His heart in the middle and said, “I’m so sorry.” …………Weird how I will never forget how his eyes looked, or how hard I stared at that watch with Jesus on it…………..
Then I remember hearing words, ” No cause….. no cure….. 20% chance…… prednisone…… massive weight gain……. intense side effects…..Not sure if it will work” At this point I had gone into a fog.. I could not tell you what was said in the next minutes we were there. I completely zoned everything out… I had no real thoughts… I just thought ‘RUN.’ GET OUT OF HERE! So that is what I did.. I got up from my chair and ran to the parking lot, fell to the ground and sobbed.. 
I say sobbed because it is that cry you have where your heart hurts, where the pain is so great your body is crying for you and you don’t know how to begin to stop, it’s the cry where you feel your insides are going to spill through your eyeballs and you cannot even control the tears coming out, much less pick yourself back up. My parents came outside to find me and I just remember my dad holding me, like I was a 5yrs old again and scraped my knee. I wanted in that moment my parents to be able to just put a bandaid on this and make it heal.. I just kept screaming, ‘Why?’
*For those of you who do not know what FSGS is..Here is the technical version It’s a disease that attacks the kidney’s filtering system causing serious scarring due to protein leaking in the urine.. BASICALLY, your kidneys are like tight nets and protein is supposed to get caught in the net and re-filter back through your body… My nets were spread faaaar apart and everything was going through them scarring my kidneys which will cause them to shut down. This is a very rare disease and most people do not respond to the treatments and have to go through dialysis and transplants. Even with a transplant, most have FSGS return.. It is a nightmare disease.. A mystery of kidney diseases…… my own true living nightmare…..
After I scraped myself up from the parking lot… I decided to go to the frat house and join my friends and pretend this didn’t happen. Maybe if I ignore it, it will not really exist.. I walked in the door and looked around at all my friends laughing, knee deep in tissue paper, flirting with their latest crush, drinking and only worry was, what will we do this weekend and what will I wear…. Now my worry was will I beat this stranger in my body attacking my kidneys… I fell to my knees right there in the middle of everyone and with my head in my hands, cried, knowing my life from here on out would never be the same.
After telling my friends, crying with my college sweetheart, and acknowledging that this disease is real I planned my method of attack. Prednisone entered my life along with a million other drugs to try and counteract what the prednisone planned on doing to my body. The doctor said there was a slight chance prednisone could stop the scarring etc. However…… HAVE YOU SEEEN THE LIST OF SIDE EFFECTS FOR THIS DAMN DRUG!??!? I mean really!? Ok well if you google it something like this will come up:
Severe allergic reactions (rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue); appetite loss; black, tarry stools; changes in menstrual periods; convulsions; depression; diarrhea; dizziness; exaggerated sense of well-being; fever; general body discomfort; headache; increased pressure in the eye; joint or muscle pain; mood swings; muscle weakness; personality changes; prolonged sore throat, cold, or fever; puffing of the face; severe nausea or vomiting; swelling of feet or legs; unusual weight gain; vomiting material that looks like coffee grounds; weakness; weight loss, atrophy and thinning of skin, dry scaly skin, congestive heart failure,congestive heart failure, mnesia, anxiety, benign intracranial hypertension, convulsions, delirium, dementia (characterized by deficits in memory retention, attention, concentration, mental speed and efficiency, and occupational performance), depression, dizziness, EEG abnormalities, emotional instability and irritability, euphoria, hallucinations, headache, impaired cognition, incidence of severe psychiatric symptoms, increased intracranial pressure with papilledema (pseudotumor cerebri) usually following discontinuation of treatment, increased motor activity, insomnia, ischemic neuropathy, long-term memory loss, mania, mood swings, neuritis, neuropathy, paresthesia, personality changes, psychiatric disorders including steroid psychoses or aggravation of pre-existing psychiatric conditions, restlessness, schizophrenia, verbal memory loss, vertigo, withdrawn behavior and certain cancers etc etc etc etc
Like SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!! THE LIST CONTINUES! That was a short list! The doc said to me ok basically (all I heard was)- It will slow metabolism, increase appetite, decrease muscle mass, and make my face look like a blow pop all the while not trying to get some random ass disease this medicine can give me in the meantime. He said there was no way to avoid the effects.. All this and you don’t know if it will work?!?!? Oh, and did I mention I had to give up meat, things high in protein, salt, sugar, caffeine (really?!), soft drinks and alcohol. Um why don’t you just go ahead and shoot me in the face.. good lord!!!! 
I then had to take 60mg of this nightmare 3 TIMES A DAY!!!!!! Life was lived by a clock and my next pill…Well, there is no way I’m letting this drug kick my ass.. That was for sure!
I begun my treatments and nothing changed yet.. I was able to finish homecoming and WON!!! WE ARE THE BOMB! I was becoming to be an exercise fanatic because I refused to let this medicine control my body. I tried to break up with my boyfriend, because I knew this was eventually going to take over my body and our lives.. But he persistently said he would love me no matter what…………no matter what………
I wake up one morning, to meet prednisone’s ugly face in the mirror. It shined through my eyes and revealed a stranger looking back at me. My face was so swollen.. cannot even explain it… Tears flowed.. I knew it was taking over… I could not stop it.
My Phi Mu formal was approaching and at this point I had controlled my weight to a point of worry.. But I mean with all the DO NOT’s what was I supposed to eat? friggin crumbs! I was scared to put much of anything in my body. My face had exploded and was so swollen I could not even smile without it hurting. I had successfully avoided my boyfriend.. too ashamed to show him how my face had warped into this alien… But the formal came and I was convinced to go..
I will never forget his face, as long as I live, when he looked at me.. He just stared at me like I had 3 heads and he had no idea who I was.. This was not the girl he loved.. He left me after that formal and we never spoke again till 2yrs later.. I cannot tell you how that moment made everything a reality. I never felt more ugly or depressed…. I knew at that moment all this was really here at my doorstep and it was not leaving.
As predicted, Depression came and knocked on my door and laid in bed with me for weeks.. I would have hysterical breakdowns… 
my roommate had to call my parents to come and just hold me.. WHY WAS GOD PUNISHING ME! WHY!?! I was soo angry at Him.. I was sad, scared, lost and severely depressed. I no longer recognized my reflection in the mirror and my body was foreign to me.. My hair was falling out in clumps, my legs were bones, my upper back was becoming a hump and my face could not have gotten any bigger.. I mean what the hell, was I a freak OR WHAT!!! I had to drop out of my beloved sorority and college.. I could not walk up stairs by myself and could rarely stand up on my own. Every part of my body hurt and crying became 2nd nature.
I remember one time I went to a Grizzlies game with my mom and I decided to wear heels because I desperately wanted to feel pretty.. when we got to the steps I could not make it up them. But I REFUSED help.. I would make it up those damn steps if it killed me.. I took each step and you would have thought I was climbing Everest… I was a damn cross country athlete and I can’t climb these steps???? I eventually had to give in and have my mom help me because I was holding everyone up and causing more people to stare at me. I hated people looking at me and I ESPECIALLY hated anyone feeling sorry for me or treating me differently.
It’s funny the little things you don’t realize you take for granted.. …..climbing a single step or brushing your hair without watching it fall to the floor in chunks…
I could not go out and the phone stopped ringing.. I wore the same black sweat pants and fleece pullover with a popped collar every day because nothing else fit and I tried to hide my face and humped back and I did not want to see anyone anyway because I was so ashamed of what I looked like. I was now one of the lepers…
I no longer dreamed of the future but stared at old pictures of the past dreaming of those days instead. I finally decided to talk to God… why…. why are you doing this to me? Did I hurt You? Did I disappoint You? I then found my senior quote from high school stuffed in an old box
‘No trial has come to you but what is human. God is faithful. He will not let you be tried beyond your strength and with that trial He will provide you with a way out, a way to bear it.‘ -1Corinthians 10:13
Then I found my journal (which I have kept since 8th grade up through college..don’t judge.) I stopped writing in college because I was too cool for school to write anymore much less think about God…..The last words were I wrote in it were..
‘Help me, Lord.. I am lost.”
God introduced Himself to me right then in that moment. I met God. He wrapped His arms around me and my tears ceased and I heard Him speak through the words on the pages in front of me. I sat in that moment with Him. I sit in this moment now with Him.
From that moment on, I was not trying to answer, ‘why are you punishing me?’ I tried to answer instead, ‘why are you calling on me?’ and ‘how can I serve You through this.’ I still try to answer that daily (don’t we all?) But I discovered God was revealing Himself to me through FSGS not because He wanted me to suffer, but because He knows me better than I know myself.. He put that strength inside of my body. He created my strength before I was born. He knows what I can handle and He knows my strength is thick. He handed me this cross because He knew I could carry it and He knew I would share it with others and spread His word because of it.
See, what I learned through this madness was God doesn’t punish us when bad things cripple our lives and rip the floorboards from underneath our feet.. He is not trying to make our lives miserable or cause hardship.. He created us we need to recognize that and have faith in His plan and STOP trying to take the wheel from Him .. I think people forget that God knows every ounce and speck of our bodies because He instilled every inch of it. I believe, He chooses people to carry particular crosses and storms in their life because He knows we will not only grow stronger in our faith but we will set examples to others because of it. We will spread His word through the darkness if we decide to open our hearts and listen to Him speak to us. I know I didn’t want to but when I did everything changed.
It is easy to ignore Him and it is easy to not listen to Him when we KNOW He is present. It is not easy to answer His call and it is NOT easy to allow yourself to recognize that call. It is, of course, much easier to blame Him and everyone around us and it is much easier to walk hand in hand with depression and wallow in self pity.. But the ALL TIME easiest thing is to completely ignore Him…That is the easy road lined with thorns… Choosing the road to follow Christ is hard… BUT.. I will TELL you… Once you hop on it, the scenery ain’t nuttin but sunshine! 🙂
After my revelation, I tried to go to church as often as possible and prayed more than a friggin nun….. I went to the doctor……..tests…………tests…………THE PREDNISONE WAS WORKING!!!!!!!!!!!!! The medicine was slowly doing it’s job! I wish I could say I was excited but all it took was a mirror for me to feel discouraged.. There is nothing more challenging than not being able to control your body..
But thankfully when you are handed these crosses, just as Jesus was handed His, God also provides the way out and a way to bear this cross or challenges in your life if you will.. He also, like Jesus, places people in our lives to help carry the cross throughout our life.
No matter how heavy your cross feels that is on your back, God will never allow you to carry it by yourself. Whether it is a stranger asking you if you are ok, your parents holding you in a parking lot, or your best friend calling to say they were thinking of you God is speaking to you through everything. When you don’t see Him or don’t feel his presence, just look around you. He is there. He is speaking to you and sending people towards you to help you carry your cross no matter how little or big.. You just have to choose to look through the lens of life through rose colored glasses and embrace Him when you allow yourself to recognize Him.
When I fell to the ground devastated- God sent my parents to hold me. When my boyfriend left me feeling the reality of my disease- God sent my best friends to console me. When I locked myself up in my room like a leper- God sent my brother to sit with me. 
When my phone stopped ringing and I felt no one cared- God sent my dad with his pick up truck to spend the day outside. When I could not sleep throughout the night- God sent me my mother who bended her ear and patience to be with me and depression so we could make it through the night. When I could not make it through FSGS- God sent me an army of friends and family to tell me I could.
When I recovered from FSGS- God held my hand as I graduated college when I feared FSGS stole that from me. He introduced me to my friends who are my soulmates so I never have to walk through storms alone. He placed me at a company I never expected, to meet the love of my life so I never feel discarded or unloved again. He gave me my brother who is not just a brother, but my best friend to be there no matter how messy life gets. He gave me to the 2 most incredible parents, who carried the weight of the cross while I crawled behind it so that I could now have the strength to carry anything that comes my way. I would be forever lost without them and had I not opened my eyes and met God and seen all these things I have described above.
I have been FSGS free for 6 years today. My doctor , still wearing his Jesus decorated watch, jumped for joy with me and my family the day this stranger decided to exit my body. He describes it as a miracle still to this day. This goes to show you that NOTHING is impossible.. it doesn’t matter what doctors say.. they are not God… It doesn’t matter what statistics or google says… they are not God.. NOTHING can be predicted and when life tells you, YOU CAN’T you tell it SHUT UP! Anything and everything is possible.. Life may sometimes throw you a curve ball and there may be things you cannot control.. But nothing but YOU can control your faith. Only you. And I can 100% assure you FAITH is what will see you through it every time.. No matter what.. If you don’t have faith or hope, what remains? Do not ever let any disease, doctor, anything in this world ever tell you IMPOSSIBLE, CAN’T , or NO HOPE, because those words hold no power when you have faith. Depression likes to show its ug face and battle with your faith.. But stand strong because when you do Hope will peak through the cracks of depression and God will answer.. Just be watchful and keep your eyes open to see Him. Just remember to live in TODAY and don’t tell God what your future will be because He has His own plans in store for you that are far greater. Just always remember to love everyone and don’t take the people in your life for granted because you never know what tomorrow will hand you.. Don’t waste your life in drama or holding grudges.. It is NOT worth it at the end of the day….. Love Everyone.
Today, I want to thank God.. Today I want to be the leper that runs to the feet of my Lord, Jesus Christ and thanks Him for being next to me the entire way and next to me as I write my story today. In the story, it doesn’t say how long it took the leper to run back to Jesus and thank Him. It just recognizes that he did. It doesn’t matter how long you have gone without talking to God, or caring about your relationship..God is not holding a stopwatch and He is there with you whether you like it or not or decide to recognize His presence. He is there in your best friend, your wife, your boyfriend, your children, strangers.. He is there everywhere. When you do decide to recognize Him just remember to pull out your rose colored glasses because the road is paved with nuttin but sunshine.
Today and forever I thank you Lord for my unlimited amount of chances in this life. Thank you for everyone you placed in it for your specific purposes.
Before I had FSGS I told you I was lost.. I found You and you responded,
“Stand up and go; your faith has saved you.“
RISE AND SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE and smell the Seattle’s Best brewing in my kitchen
.. yuuum…. I have woken up in time to take a run on the new Memphis Greenline, walk my dog, crack open some eggs,
cook a healthy breakfast, sit outside and eat on a patio while watching sun rise and reading the newspaper. I even had time to wash and dry this mane on my head (which lets be real if you knew me and saw my hair you would know grooming takes AT LEAST 45min to complete the full process) I have even had time to appropriately pick out an outfit, that I did not sleep in and tried to layer over, and match accordingly. I even have a little time left over to love on my dog and proceed out the door and didn’t even speed in order to make it on time to the office, while all the time in an ever so cheerful mood…………………………………………………………………………………………………….um ………………YEAH…….. then I REAAALLLY woke up…………………………………………. SO let me give you a run down of a real morning in my household.
……………
The night before:
Me: ‘Ya know what, I am going to get up early and actually get some things done and make a good breakfast and run and all that jazz you see normal people do.’
I set my alarm for 6:00 a.m. (please note I set it for this time EVERY SINGLE NIGHT and pretty sure I have the exact same convo in my head as well)
Lights out 10:00 p.m.
6:00 a.m. Random singing noises coming from my blackberry that appear to be getting louder…….is that my alarm? naaaah that’s music in my dreams… keep sleeping….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……………….. 
6:15 a.m. A GRAND SYMPHONY is now playing in my bedroom! ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! I look over and slam any button I can find on my blackberry to make it SHUT UP! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………………………..
6:30 a.m. The friggin music is starting over again! DAMNIT leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I now have thrown the blackberry somewhere into the dark abyss that is my closet. THERE I showed that dumb electronic device not to mess with me! hmph! Back to sleep with covers thrown over head. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
6:45 a.m. Muffled music coming from afar… mmmm…what is that? eh ignore it I can barely hear it anyway! Covers over head followed by pillows……zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
7:00 a.m. LOUD muffled music AGAIN from afar. I REFUSE to get up to get it because now I’m so annoyed at it trying to force me out of bed when I’m clearly not ready to be disturbed. I lie there trying to show that alarm who’s boss. It cannot tell me what to do!! We both try to outdo the other and I pretend it is not there……………..somehow I manage to fall asleep again………..really?…………………zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
7:15 a.m. UUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH I begin to wrestle in my brain… I need to get up… I need to let my dog out… I should run…. nah can’t run no time….maybe tomorrow…….. I reeeeeally need to get up……ugh I need to wash my hair…. mmmm….. nah I washed it the other day it’s fine……mmmm….. I’m gonna be late………… what am I gonna wear today…..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
7:30 a.m HOWLING has now joined the grand symphony in my bedroom and Daisy (my lovely beast of an animal) has had enough random music playing from my alarm, me ignoring it, throwing things and damnit she has to pee and she has to pee NOW! ………………………..still laying there lifeless staring at ceiling… I don’t waaaaaaaaaaaaannnaaaaaaaaaa… bed is so comfy…………….*insert ongoing howling*.
……………go into a light coma like state…………………………….
7:40 a.m. OMG IT’s 7:40!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DIDN’T ANYONE WAKE ME UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH IM GONNA BE LATE!!!!!!!!!!
Between the minutes of 7:40 and 8:10 a. m. things go a little like this:
I leap out of my bed and throw my covers to the floor. I dive into the dark abyss of my closet, throwing clothes everywhere to find that annoying piece of poop phone that won’t stop playing what are supposed to be joyful ‘start your day and not annoy me’ tunes.
Found it! I turn it off and throw it somewhere else AGAIN! Really?!(why am I not more logical.. no idea). I run to the kitchen to make my crack coffee, because if I do not have Seattle’s Best you do not even want to encounter me in the morning at all (it is essential no matter how late I am running). *Daisy howling at me in the meantime..
I throw a jacket on over my trusty white vneck I slept in and seem to wear way too often.. geez. I wander out my backyard, in my pj pants with the word PINK splashed across my butt, dishoveled hair and oversized sunglasses to walk my dog as quick as possible thinking “no one is up this early and I’m sure I won’t see any of my neighbors.” um WRONG! I walk out to see my next door neighbor leaving for work, without a hair out of place, a matching suit outfit and her kids were actually dressed with little lunch boxes in their hands sitting in the car quietly… mmm how the hell did she accomplish this? 
She smiles pitifully at me and says ‘ Aww are you sick or do you just have the day off today?” ……..i hate her……… I see another neighbor actually sitting on their patio table drinking coffee and reading like they could never understand the phrase RUSH LIKE YOUR JOB DEPENDS ON IT!!! Another neighbor leaving and actually kissing his wife goodbye (what?! do i live in freaking Pleasantville.. what’s wrong with these people)
I try to walk and drink my coffee same time (multi-tasking) and Daisy decides to walk me instead and coffee gets everywhere but in my mouth..So I take my pitiful self back into the house.
Clock Check………………..7:48 a.m. How I always manage to walk back into the house at this hour I will never know but I always do!
I fly to my bathroom and take a look at my hair.. mmmm ponytail day no worries I can wash it tonight…. I shower for a split second and literally run out of it. I create a ponytail with a mini twist to the side so it looks like I actually tried to care about it. Slap some makeup on and dart to the closet.
8:01 a.m. ……………………………..still standing at the closet with my white vneck I slept in, thinking… mmmmm what can I layer on top of this to make it work so I don’t have to start from scratch……. boyfriend blazer, skinnies and DONE.. oh and some long dangly necklace thing to make it look like I really tried…. DONE!
8:10 a.m. AHHHHH I HAVE TO LEAVE!!! (thoughts are something like-why didnt I get up earlier, I will tomorrrow for sure! F F F) As fast as I can, I make a to-go cup, feed the pup, pack a sorry excuse for a lunch and run out the door…
8:12 a.m. Pulling out of garage…………. damnit……………..where is my phone (because God knows I need to check twitter and facebook because I’m SURE something happened while I was sleeping)
8:13 a.m. Pull back in the garage RUN into the house….*insert Daisy howling* CANNOT FIND MY PHOOOOONE! where did I throw it!!?!?!?!?! AHHHHH.. I am immediately pissed at my phone ( like it really grew legs, ran away and is deliberately trying to make me mad).
8:15 a.m. FOUND IT.. it fell behind the back of my bed underneath it in a spot that made me channel a gymnast to get to. … I mean really!?!
8:17 a.m. FINALLY LEAVING (thoughts are…maybe I will get a new alarm clock? this one sucks! Yeeea must be the alarm’s fault because it is so annoying! Yea dumb alarm!)
Speeding now must take place!
8:35iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhh? I arrive at work a dishoveled, caffeinated mess 🙂
So there you have it…. My daily mornings.. I long to be the person who is not a compulsive snoozer
and wakes up when the alarm goes off the very first time.
I want to come to work and go ‘ooooh yea I already worked out this morning, and had breakfast on my patio and played with my dog BLAH BLAH BLAH.’ I hate all you people who do this! I pep myself up every evening and coach myself to thinking, ‘I will wake up early, I will wake up early!’ BUUUUUT every day it never fails, I go through a mass crazed experience while trying to get to work and physically abusing my innocent phone.
So for all you Pleasantville perfectly put together, 
actually used the stove in the morning, up at 5 a.m.,watching the sun rise after you ran for an hour and made it to work 5 minutes early……… I hate you……..
Sincerely,
Compulsive Snoozer
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……………
Last weekend I refused to join the real world of life and holed up in my house not doing a dang thing. ‘Do as the Italians do!’ I think the only real activity I did was change the t.v. channel from my One Tree Hill marathon to the Kardashian marathon… I know, pathetic right? I do not even care.. go ahead.. judge me.. HA! 
As I was knee deep in my One Tree Hill marathon with my amazing Dominos pizza (that I ordered online with little to no effort WHATSOEVER), one of the characters in the show said something that struck me. She had created some drawings she wanted to submit to a magazine but ended up throwing them away altogether…When confronted, by her soon to be husband 10yrs down the road (I know this because I watched that much one tree hill) she said something that made perfect sense in my life. When questioned why she threw them away, because to him they seemed perfect, she told him she wants to create and do something that means something.. She wants to do something that is great and if it is not great then she doesn’t want to do it at all because it will ruin how special it was supposed to be and the impact it was meant to have. Basically I don’t think she was meaning she was not good enough to create this meaningful impact but when she was ready and prepared she would move forward in doing so. She felt anything in between or mediocore was just not good enough and would make it lose its intention.
I found myself thinking about this over and over. Then I looked over at my photography portfolio sitting in the corner with a pile of art supplies next to it and the enlarger I keep telling myself I am going to start using to develop my photos. I look through my portfolio at all the homeless people I met and photographed and read their stories I jotted down. I remember I set out to photograph them and show to the world what people turned their faces to everyday. I had a mission! I wanted to change people’s viewpoints with my pictures and then with my words. But as my friend Kfun likes to point out, I keep staying ‘in the closet’ with the gifts I have been given. Probably because I am not sure if they are my real gifts or if I put them out there they will not have the meaningful impact I had hoped for all along. These are some of the homeless who’s stories I was blessed to hear and capture with my camera (sorry for image quality these are from my film camera and developed in a darkroom and I took pics of the pics in order to post on here.. just wanted to at least share their faces somewhere)
Splinter – gifted guitar player who loved his dogs and told me many jokes. 
Josh- the shyest of all. He never spoke and he intrigued me the most. He would not reveal what his tattoo was across his forehead.
This was his beloved pup who has train hopped with him everywhere.
Pyro- loooves to light things on fire and had a beat up novel he said he reads over and over and over. Had quite a sense of humor.
Annie- the only girl in the pack. She was the most upbeat and positive and yelled jokes at passerbys.
They had just scored some Rendevous bbq nachos from a passerby
Josh could not understand why I wanted to photograph him.
Met this lil lady at a soup kitchen downtown. She loooved the Lord
Josh never spoke to me the entire time. Felt he has seen many personal storms in his day
This is a schizo with many names I met downtown. 
He told me he was a warlord, millionare, photographer and wrote all the hymns in the Bible!
These kids I found downtown on 3rd street in front of a Goldstrike banner (ironic huh) I photographed them and they really moved me because they were not bitter or unhappy, they were just like me and you but without a home. They are ‘train hoppers’ and hop from train to train together traveling across the world. They told me they get to see things they never dreamed they would and saw life through a different lens than most. I just couldn’t fathom being in their shoes.. I asked them what do you dream of doing, what do you want to be where is their sweet spot…. they said they just want to get through each day and enjoy the scenery along the way.. I asked how they got here and they said ‘ya know, we are just like everybody else, we got blood in our veins, we laugh when something is funny, we cry when we are hurt…..we just never had nobody that cared if we did.’
Sometimes, these sweet spots are found in a train car starin at the scenery, like these kids.. sometimes, we look in the wrong places for this glorified sweet spot
Finding our ‘sweet spot’ as kfun has educated me on (please see her Diary of Kfun blog on her sweet spot found on to right of my home page) is hard because sometimes we do not realize the gifts we have been given are in fact gifts. The sweet spot only happens when you recognize your gift and excel within it. I think this sweet spot is the hardest place on the planet to actually find!!!! mmm that is when looking in the wrong places. 
I am a passionate person about alot of things – family, friends, art, photography that moves you and stories that change you. I am inspired by people who’s storms speak to your soul and change your direction in life. I long to be that person. Maybe in some ways we are all these people and do not realize it. Maybe we go along life living in our sweet spot changing lives and speaking to souls and not even realizing it. I have seen how fragile life can be….. I know how in a snap it can be pulled from you.. I want to be able to embrace life in all it has to offer and I want to change lives and have them change mine.
Tonite I sat around a table with good friends celebrating a birthday drinking and eating good food. I looked around and saw a sweet spot. I saw laughs and good conversations, lots of love and looks of contentment. I felt in this moment happiness is found. 
Then I thought maybe in life we do not have to join Peace Corp and save starving children (even tho I would love love love to do this) to find that sweet spot or change lives. Maybe in life it is about the little moments, the funny stories you share, the celebrations you have… 
maybe life’s sweet spots are not really sweet without the right people in it. I looked around and felt so blessed because I have so many amazing people in my life that change it daily. Maybe we get so consumed in what we don’t have or what greatness we think others have that we forget what is right in front of our face. The sweet spot. Our relationships with others. Life is afterall based on relationships with other people and God. Without that what do you really have? Take all that away and then what is your life about?
People laugh at me because I tend to never say No. But now I realize if I said no as many times as I should have I would not have the large amount of love I do now in my life. I would not have 16 fab bridesmaids dresses either 😉 (and I love each and every one!!!!)
Life definitely throws me on a rollercoaster.. It may not give me the sweet spot job I envisioned or I may not be in Africa helping others and telling their stories… It may keep me in this little maroon walled cubicle with my trusty headset and million emails.. but life has handed me more love than one person could hope for and people in my life that I can laugh through the less glamorous moments with and be there for encouragement when I cannot take another minute. 
Maybe if we just stop telling ourselves what we think we should be doing to be happy and who we should be to accomplish it and just enjoy what we are surrounded with, all that mess will just fall into its place. Why can’t we just stop worrying and enjoy the ride?
Point being- and I have gone completely emotional on this post for some reason.. But point is sometimes we set out with a particular dream for ourselves and God ends up showing us its not the dream that was made for us, its not the sweet spot he intended. Sometimes we have to humble ourselves enough to see what is around us and see that here is your sweet spot, right in front of you. You may not be climbing Mount Everest, shopping on Rodeo Drive buying Prada, sitting in a corner office overlooking a major city, or working for a company you told yourself your entire life you would give EVERYTHING to be apart of. Those things do not define who you are and they don’t define your sweet spot or lack thereof. Yea you may just be a mom, friend, or piece of a large corporation where no one really knows your name. So what? Sweet spots are about the ‘everyday.’ It can be found in giving your friend advice the next cube over, besties surprising you on your birthday, husband staring at you after you have given birth as if you are the most beautiful thing on earth, child running to you for comfort, people coming together to support a cause you care about, random date nights, thoughtful gestures and people calling to just to tell you they love you. 
Sweet spots can be found in more than just your job title.
It seems people struggle and stress over what is labeled under their name on a business card or what answer they will give when people ask, ‘so what do you do for a living.’ I know I am guilty of it. Why are we, the masters of our fate, also our toughest critics? WE, ourselves, are probably the only real reason we get held back from accomplishing ANYTHING. If we do end up accomplishing something we turn around and are quickly crushed by the ‘grass is always greener syndrome’ when we see our best friend in elementary school, that we havent spoken to since potty training, on facebook won the Noble Peace Prize (exaggeration but you get the point) then our mini accomplishment seems to be a peon and we go back to depression of our recession sucking job. Damn facebook! Why are we such stalkers and why do you keep crushing our dreams by showing us other’s fab lives.
But the older I get and the more transitions I see happening around me the more I understand what life’s sweet spots really are. I see God so much around me lately in so many people. He is in every ray of happiness and each storm we have in our life. Every moment is a learning process and eye opener to this sacred spot we search our whole life for and worry we have missed. We stress over every decision we make and worry if it will affect finding ourselves and who we were meant to be. But maybe, just maybe, if we paused more often to take in our surroundings we would see we have really not missed anything.
Go conquer your dreams.. Realize God gave you gifts for a reason and sometimes we feel we don’t know what they are.. but most of the time we don’t realize we DO know what they are and are too scared or insecure to
acknowledge it.. Those dumb ‘what ifs’ take over our minds. When you find that career sweet spot it won’t be a struggle to get to it. It will come natural because it was what you were meant to do. I hope to find that spot but in the meantime I realize I am in my special spot in life amongst people who constantly change my life and speak to my soul. Can’t get much better than that.
Cherish every moment.. look around and realize you have already found it… You are, right now, living in the sweet spot. All ya gotta do is let go, live in the moment and allow it to be just as sweet as it was intended to be.
Do you ever stop in your tracks in the midst of your busy life and wonder where it all went? Do you ever just stop yourself in a moment and go, ‘Wow, how did I get here?’
I do this quite often as a person who hates time to fly and is constantly wishing I could freeze certain moments and not let them slip through my fingers into the floorboards of life. 
Growing up, I have always been surrounded by tons of friends. In college we were queens of ‘girl night.’ Yeeeeaaa PAT OBRIENS WHAAAA??? We dominated that place and the jukebox playing good ole classics like ‘Ay Bay Bay!’ (yes that was a classic) Missing a ‘girl night’ was like violating a law!
……….. fast forward……… tick….. tick… tick……I have now bee bopped out the door of Pat O’Briens and into my good friend’s home for her baby shower….. wait…. baby shower???? OK now life has officially passed me by at warp speed.
I sat at this shower feeding my beautiful almost 3 month old Godson Ryder
and thought, wow, when did we all get here? I look around the room and see my best friends chasing their children at this house where we used to cheers in jello shots!…… well we may still do this too.. ha! I just sat and took this moment in; little Ryder in my arms, studly lucas kissing sweet Briley smack on the lips, Owen running running circles around all of us, friends talking about their upcoming
weddings and others with bellies full of their little ones waiting to enter our crazy world!! *if you do not know who the hell I am talking about – do not fret- they are only the future of america….and the future dream team* I just watched as everyone was discussing their little ones excitedly and realizing how our conversations have shifted into this new phase in our life. I wanted to stop this moment in its tracks because I fear tomorrow these kids will be 15yrs old telling us we know nothing and how we are totally uncool, as we sit around a table drunk on margaritas playing bunko. AAHHH!! never! The dream team was the epitemy of cool..duh! 😉 *if you do not know who the dream team is…. you should probably fret because it means you weren’t as cool as us……..*
This type of scene (seeing my friends and their new babes) used to freak me out. I used to feel like someone standing with their feet planted firmly, while the race of life zoomed by me. I just could not embrace this new change for some reason. It’s scary to see us warping into these actual adults where these little people depend on us to mold their futures. I throw a tantrum in my head and think ‘ I don’t wanna grow up, I don’t waaaannna.’ I want to just stay in limbo here and not move forward!
But recently, I have seen things with a new light. As I sit holding my teeny most-adorable-handsome-good-luck-ever- finding- a cuter godson, I look around the room and hear the new conversations going on among friends and I see their faces. They are different now.. It is hard to put their faces into words… It’s like ya know the face you get when you put on a pair of pants you haven’t worn in awhile and you find $20 in the back pocket……yeeeea like gold that little $20… yea you know what I’m sayin.. ANYWAY…. All I’m saying is their faces look different. They look like they have found true happiness..
something has completed a part of their hearts that they didn’t know existed. It is something I have never recognized on my friend’s faces. 
It’s just a different happiness that looks like a proud, overflowing, overwhelming, selfless happiness. Like they found something they have waited their whole life for and here it was in this pint sized little person happiness. Like I wanna bottle that jazz and wear it everyday I’m jealous happiness!
I always thought kids were pretty scary individuals. I always looked at them as the end of my personal dreams instead of the beginning of a new one. I was ‘that girl’ when people asked if I wanted to hold their new little one I shriveled up and ever so graciously declined. I feared I would crush them, or they would realize I was a “I love baby poser” and expose me by ear drum bursting screaming!! I was ‘that girl’ when I saw a room with even 1 child, I would veer the other way for fear of an awkward encounter with lack of the ‘natural baby dialect’ people bust out like a 2nd language and the little human seems to understand perfectly but is chinese to me! Point is.. children were like little aliens to me and I to them
… I felt like some people were just born with this natural ability to understand these aliens and I was not one of them. But, ya know, living in the south I get asked frequently when I am going to settle down and re-produce one of these beings. Instead of the “I have no idea if I am equipped with the manual for these aliens and I don’t know if they will even like me if I do.” I respond with, “Oh, I’m sure sometime in the future! I can’t wait!” It’s the answer everyone wants to hear from a female because it should be the most natural. They don’t want to hear the ‘I’m not sure if I’m cut out to be a mother,’ answer where I have to insert pathetic, I feel sorry for her look, they will give me in response. 
But now….. .maybe now I see things in a different lens when I look through the eyes of my best friends. I see a look about them that is something I know I have never felt myself. It is one I feel I work so hard to get towards and teeter on actually grasping it and here they are swimming in it. Now, you will see me surrounded by these little aliens all the time and I am the first one to grab them when I enter a room and the first one to smother them with love love love. 
I have now learned I cannot crush them and I do not have to learn this ‘criss cross apple sauce hands in your lap,’ business and I can just say ‘hey dude.’ They no longer scare me and I actually am now ‘that girl’ that is obsessively taking photos of them and saying things like, “Omg Lucas did the cutest thing the other day……” Like really did I just now shift into ‘that girl!!!” Maybe… But I kinda like it and I’m sorta diggin my new alien nieces and nephs these days.
Now am I about to go and conquer the world by being the new Kate plus 8?? I think not.. But at least I see now what happiness these little creatures bring to the world and how unique that happiness is.
I guess while I travel through this world I will quit telling it what I want and who I am going to be because apparently it always winds up surprising me. God knows me too well, now if only I knew myself just as well.
Instead of being terrified at things passing so quickly, I am embracing each moment and looking down through the floorboard of life and realize it’s nothin but sunshine and the foundation of sweet memories to come
Hello World! You are probably checking out my page thinking, Hope in What Remains? What the hell is she talking about? Am I worth reading? Am I bored yet? But I promise to try and not send you to snooozeville with my blog! =)
When I was thinking about what the tone of my blog will be, I thought about what is going on in my life, my friends and just a common thread going around. Being 27 in a world of CRAP it seems these days, we have all been discussing how life is just kinda tough. It feels like instead of ‘living the dream’, we are just ‘living the bare enough to get by dream.’ These days it is hard to dream big and instead we are doing what we have to in order to stay afloat. Geeeez, this is where I insert my screaming tantrum, kicking my legs yelling obscenities (sorry mom)!!!!!!!!!!! 
Why is it that our generation has to just settle on getting by?!!??! Stop telling us we should just be happy with having any job! How come we can’t dream big like we were told in school, which is why we studied our butts off to have the, oh so glamorous job, they told us we would get with our diploma! Now by the time we are 35 and it’s time to dream big again the opportunity has passed us by and those overachieving 20yr olds will have taken our dream big jobs! *i feel my 2nd tantrum rising F F F:)
OK, OK, OK you are now either depressed, crying, or you passed out on your computer with my soap box. WAKE UP! I’m not going to focus this blog on ‘Woe is me,’ or anything but I wanted to throw reality out there because these days I find myself in plenty of conversations about this topic.
I wake up and it’s staring me in the face on the news (recession, recession, recession, BLAH BLAH BLAH). It’s like, WE GET IT ALREADY!! EVERYONE IS BROKE! How are we supposed to find any motivation to change anything when I’m already depressed before I have had my Seattle’s Best amazing crack coffee that I have realized I can’t really afford anymore! Sheesh! 
Cut us a break! Can we please focus on that light at the end of the tunnel? oooooh noo we can’t because now we have to focus on the ‘double dip’ recession blah blah blah! Damnit! Now we can’t even enjoy the weekend because we feel what money we do have we have to hoard it because the double dip is coming… UGH! How is the economy going to get any better if everyone keeps scaring us out of spending! Um, Today Show, why did you just inform me that now I have downsize to clipping digital coupons (which are on kroger.com and pretty freaking amazing btw) AND I can’t go out and buy the most amazing sand colored Frye Engineer ankle boot with the cute little buckles up the side for $209 either! What the f! 
Why are you ruining our lives at 6am in the morning!!!!!! ok ok lives aren’t being ruined, I’m juuust saying it wouldn’t hurt for the news to show me a nice fluffy butterflies in the air type of story while I’m sipping my crack coffee. GEEEZ PLEASE FLUFF ME ALREADY… I don’t think it’s too much to ask for a little fluff once in awhile. hmph! Thank you.
SO with all that recession depression out of the way, I felt like I wanted to create a blog that sort of poked little holes of light in the dark tunnel of life these days. Something that may put some pep in your step… yes I just said that……. Maybe this blog will a.) make you feel less alone in a world of chaos. b) throw some humor on it c.) maybe give a different perspective when the ceiling is caving or d.) give you something to pass the time while you countdown to 5pm at your recession sucking job…..
I’m not saying, I know it all, (um I like to pretend and think I do sometimes) but I don’t. Hell, I’m only 27 and all I know is that I’m sick and tired of hearing the depressing stuff and ready to speak up and show their is optimism out there and we can get through this crap. So suck it Mr. CNN twitter depresser! 
Life may hand us some natural disaster, a pay cut, or tell us that we are hostages of the dreaded ‘recession’ word that is thrown around like hello but it does NOT define our futures. I am tired of letting this ruin everything fun and enjoyable about life! I will not be confined by this Debbie Downer (I say as I am beating my superman chest)…..
Now, let’s not be confused, I am not going to sit here and ramble your ear about the recession everyday I am honestly not that scholarly err knowledgeable to do so. I am just going to ramble about my days during the recession and how I manage to find the fluff in it! I am going write about how I try to live in the moment, laugh at the confusion, and how no ‘recession’ is gonna make any of us settle for anything less than what we had dreamed big for!
So buckle your safety belts, it’s gonna be a bumpy err should I say fluffy ride!!!!
ummm excuse…..insert fluff please
Thank you
Hope in What Remains 
