Compulsize Snoozer

RISE AND SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE and smell the Seattle’s Best brewing in my kitchen.. yuuum…. I have woken up in time to take a run on the new Memphis Greenline, walk my dog, crack open some eggs, cook a healthy breakfast, sit outside and eat on a patio while watching sun rise and reading the newspaper. I even had time to wash and dry this mane on my head (which lets be real if you knew me and saw my hair you would know grooming takes AT LEAST 45min to complete the full process) I have even had time to appropriately pick out an outfit, that I did not sleep in and tried to layer over, and match accordingly. I even have a little time left over to love on my dog and proceed out the door and didn’t even speed in order to make it on time to the office, while all the time in an ever so cheerful mood…………………………………………………………………………………………………….um ………………YEAH…….. then I REAAALLLY woke up…………………………………………. SO let me give you a run down of a real morning in my household.

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The night before:

Me: ‘Ya know what, I am going to get up early and actually get some things done and make a good breakfast and run and all that jazz you see normal people do.’

I set my alarm for 6:00 a.m. (please note I set it for this time EVERY SINGLE NIGHT and pretty sure I have the exact same convo in my head as well)

Lights out 10:00 p.m.

6:00 a.m. Random singing noises coming from my blackberry that appear to be getting louder…….is that my alarm? naaaah that’s music in my dreams… keep sleeping….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………………..

6:15 a.m. A GRAND SYMPHONY is now playing in my bedroom! ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! I look over and slam any button I can find on my blackberry to make it SHUT UP! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………………………..

6:30 a.m. The friggin music is starting over again! DAMNIT leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I now have thrown the blackberry somewhere into the dark abyss that is my closet. THERE I showed that dumb electronic device not to mess with me! hmph! Back to sleep with covers thrown over head. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

6:45 a.m. Muffled music coming from afar… mmmm…what is that? eh ignore it I can barely hear it anyway! Covers over head followed by pillows……zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz



7:00 a.m. LOUD muffled music AGAIN from afar. I REFUSE to get up to get it because now I’m so annoyed at it trying to force me out of bed when I’m clearly not ready to be disturbed. I lie there trying to show that alarm who’s boss. It cannot tell me what to do!! We both try to outdo the other and I pretend it is not there……………..somehow I manage to fall asleep again………..really?…………………zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

7:15 a.m. UUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH I begin to wrestle in my brain… I need to get up… I need to let my dog out… I should run…. nah can’t run no time….maybe tomorrow…….. I reeeeeally need to get up……ugh I need to wash my hair…. mmmm….. nah I washed it the other day it’s fine……mmmm….. I’m gonna be late………… what am I gonna wear today…..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz



7:30 a.m HOWLING has now joined the grand symphony in my bedroom and Daisy (my lovely beast of an animal) has had enough random music playing from my alarm, me ignoring it, throwing things and damnit she has to pee and she has to pee NOW! ………………………..still laying there lifeless staring at ceiling… I don’t waaaaaaaaaaaaannnaaaaaaaaaa… bed is so comfy…………….*insert ongoing howling*.……………go into a light coma like state…………………………….

7:40 a.m. OMG IT’s 7:40!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DIDN’T ANYONE WAKE ME UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH IM GONNA BE LATE!!!!!!!!!!

Between the minutes of 7:40 and 8:10 a. m. things go a little like this:

I leap out of my bed and throw my covers to the floor. I dive into the dark abyss of my closet, throwing clothes everywhere to find that annoying piece of poop phone that won’t stop playing what are supposed to be joyful ‘start your day and not annoy me’ tunes.



Found it! I turn it off and throw it somewhere else AGAIN! Really?!(why am I not more logical.. no idea). I run to the kitchen to make my crack coffee, because if I do not have Seattle’s Best you do not even want to encounter me in the morning at all (it is essential no matter how late I am running). *Daisy howling at me in the meantime..

I throw a jacket on over my trusty white vneck I slept in and seem to wear way too often.. geez. I wander out my backyard, in my pj pants with the word PINK splashed across my butt, dishoveled hair and oversized sunglasses to walk my dog as quick as possible thinking “no one is up this early and I’m sure I won’t see any of my neighbors.” um WRONG! I walk out to see my next door neighbor leaving for work, without a hair out of place, a matching suit outfit and her kids were actually dressed with little lunch boxes in their hands sitting in the car quietly… mmm how the hell did she accomplish this? She smiles pitifully at me and says ‘ Aww are you sick or do you just have the day off today?” ……..i hate her……… I see another neighbor actually sitting on their patio table drinking coffee and reading like they could never understand the phrase RUSH LIKE YOUR JOB DEPENDS ON IT!!! Another neighbor leaving and actually kissing his wife goodbye (what?! do i live in freaking Pleasantville.. what’s wrong with these people)

I try to walk and drink my coffee same time (multi-tasking) and Daisy decides to walk me instead and coffee gets everywhere but in my mouth..So I take my pitiful self back into the house.

Clock Check………………..7:48 a.m. How I always manage to walk back into the house at this hour I will never know but I always do!

I fly to my bathroom and take a look at my hair.. mmmm ponytail day no worries I can wash it tonight…. I shower for a split second and literally run out of it. I create a ponytail with a mini twist to the side so it looks like I actually tried to care about it. Slap some makeup on and dart to the closet.

8:01 a.m. ……………………………..still standing at the closet with my white vneck I slept in, thinking… mmmmm what can I layer on top of this to make it work so I don’t have to start from scratch……. boyfriend blazer, skinnies and DONE.. oh and some long dangly necklace thing to make it look like I really tried…. DONE!

8:10 a.m. AHHHHH I HAVE TO LEAVE!!! (thoughts are something like-why didnt I get up earlier, I will tomorrrow for sure! F F F) As fast as I can, I make a to-go cup, feed the pup, pack a sorry excuse for a lunch and run out the door…

8:12 a.m. Pulling out of garage…………. damnit……………..where is my phone (because God knows I need to check twitter and facebook because I’m SURE something happened while I was sleeping)

8:13 a.m. Pull back in the garage RUN into the house….*insert Daisy howling* CANNOT FIND MY PHOOOOONE! where did I throw it!!?!?!?!?! AHHHHH.. I am immediately pissed at my phone ( like it really grew legs, ran away and is deliberately trying to make me mad).

8:15 a.m. FOUND IT.. it fell behind the back of my bed underneath it in a spot that made me channel a gymnast to get to. … I mean really!?!

8:17 a.m. FINALLY LEAVING (thoughts are…maybe I will get a new alarm clock? this one sucks! Yeeea must be the alarm’s fault because it is so annoying! Yea dumb alarm!)

 Speeding now must take place!

8:35iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhh? I arrive at work a dishoveled, caffeinated mess 🙂

So there you have it…. My daily mornings.. I long to be the person who is not a compulsive snoozer

and wakes up when the alarm goes off the very first time. I want to come to work and go ‘ooooh yea I already worked out this morning, and had breakfast on my patio and played with my dog BLAH BLAH BLAH.’ I hate all you people who do this! I pep myself up every evening and coach myself to thinking, ‘I will wake up early, I will wake up early!’ BUUUUUT every day it never fails, I go through a mass crazed experience while trying to get to work and physically abusing my innocent phone.

So for all you Pleasantville perfectly put together,

actually used the stove in the morning, up at 5 a.m.,watching the sun rise after you ran for an hour and made it to work 5 minutes early……… I hate you……..

Sincerely,

Compulsive Snoozer

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……………